Journal entry by Barbara Bradley — Aug 17, 2011

I am going to admit what many of you are thinking but are too afraid to share: It is time for the children to go back to school.

Oh, trust me when I say it is time. The kids have been out since June 10th and my dear son Nathan has not stopped talking yet. If he isn’t talking, he is singing. If he isn’t singing, he is humming. Aren’t boys supposed to be the quiet ones?

I have been a good mother. We have been to the library, gone on nature walks, and read books. I have taken them swimming many times and answered non-stop questions. I think I have managed fairly well to find things to do but I am all tapped out. Done.

I must admit I have had thoughts of dropping the kids off at the neighbors down the street and I have a plan for doing so.

Let’s just say there is a family nearby with nine children. Yes, I do know there are nine because of all the little stick figure decals on the family van (big van). Those decals are a pet peeve by the way. We have all seen these. On your back window you place a decal for each member of your family. Jimmy plays football, Johnny plays soccer, Jenna swims, Jeremy eats pizza, and Joann loves shopping…. Blah blah..and there are dog, cat, bird and I have even seen a turtle decal. You got it, you can buy it. You can tell complete strangers all your business.

When all the kids are outside playing I will make my move. I do a drive by slowing my van to a crawl, push the kids out (gently of course) and drive away without even coming to a stop. With all nine children out playing I don’t think anyone will mind a couple more. Would they really notice? eh? I imagine Mom is inside birthing her tenth child under strict supervision of a midwife while baking scratch-made biscuits, and cleaning up from an invigorating morning of homeschooling.

Don’t work yourself up into a lather. It would just be for a few hours while I do some housework or grocery shopping. Who are we kidding….I would take a quiet moment reading Us Weekly and taking a nap. Ahhhh….

Okay, I can’t bother this sweet mother of nine. Lord knows she has enough to do. I can say with certainty she is a far stronger mother than I could ever be as I struggle to care for my two. If I had that many children, you would find me out by the mailbox huddled in the fetal position around a bottle of vodka mumbling to myself.

Before you send me hate mail, I have the utmost respect for woman like this. They really have it all together. They manage an army and do it well and very efficiently. Just look at that Duggar family from Arkansas. What are they up to now like 47 kids or something?! Anytime you see them all the kids play so well together and are so responsible and respectful. I really don’t know how they do it.

Back to my adorable two…. Dropping them off is not an option so…

Thank goodness for plan B…. camp and vacation bible school!

Yippee! We love Grandma. Grandma paid for Nathan to attend a camp at the aquatic center where the kids took swim lessons. A couple weeks ago he also attended a five-day VBS at a local church down the road. Many of his friends from school and people we know were there so he was in good company. I still carted Katie around to therapy and ran errands but it was a few hours of quiet each day.

Nathan is not the only one wearing on my nerves. My lovely daughter has gotten back in the habit of taking her diaper off. She used to do this prior to surgery but I guess she remembered just how much fun it can be and how crazy she can make mommy. Katie has always drunk more than she eats so this has only been magnified with her increased appetite.  Even if she doesn’t take her diaper off she has been wetting the bed lately. I have tried buying the next size up in diapers and placing a waterproof pad under where she sleeps just to keep from having to change her sheets every day but this has not stopped her. The wiggle worm still manages to move out of the zone. So last week when I heard her at 3am, I decided to go ahead and change her diaper while we were both up. Surely an early morning diaper change would do the trick, right?

Nope. Because her jammy bottoms were wet I didn’t bother to put them back on after changing her. She got the bright idea to take her diaper off right then and peed from 3 am until around 7 am the next morning.

One would think that incident alone would have driven the point home for me to cover her diaper but I have been dying my hair far too long and there are very few reputable brain cells left behind.

The next night I put her in a nightgown. Come midnight I heard a stir from the peeing Princess’ room so again I went to the trouble of changing her diaper. I went back to sleep completely confident all would be well.

Nope.  Around 7am I hear both kids in the living room and look to see Nathan playing with toys and Katie sitting in her favorite beanbag chair happily watching her big brother. I passed right by her and headed to her room to get a clean diaper only to find a completely dry diaper in her bed and pee everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE. I run back out to her sitting in the beanbag and pick her up. She is still in her nightgown but commando sitting in another puddle of pee. She must have gotten her diaper off at midnight after I changed her and peed the whole night long all over her bed and floor. She then got up the next morning and continued the fun in our living room.

Stopping right there would be enough of a story to remember in years to come but it doesn’t stop there. I get her and the puddles cleaned up and get breakfast for both kids. Before sitting down to breakfast, I open the back door to let the dogs back in the house. I see out of the corner of my eye that our dog Zoe had brought in a bird from the backyard and laid it right in front of the highchair. I can and have handled a lot but pee all over my house and then bring an injured, dying bird to me and I am throwing in the towel.

Officially on strike! Mommy has left the building. It’s been great knowing you. My passport is good until the end of the month. There is a beach and a Corona with my name on it. Peace out.

Back to reality. I have a six year old boy in awe of what is happening and wants to know what Mommy will do next, a three year old daughter that could care less as long as Mickey Mouse is on, two dogs that I want to kill and no one else home. I can’t leave this dying bird in my house.

Let’s start by saying dead or alive, pet or in nature, I do not like birds. I think they are disgusting and all carry a hideous, life threatening disease. The only possible way to manage this was to start with a plastic bag. I would also need something to help grab the bird because the thought of my hands holding the bird even using the bag was not gonna happen. I grabbed a duster and a clothes hanger but every time I tried to pick it up the bird would fall out from under the plastic bag. This action would then cause me to squeal like the cowardly wuss that I was. Since this was taking place right in front of Katie’s highchair she got a front row seat to this I Love Lucy episode. Every time the bird dropped, I would scream and Katie would fall over into hysterical laughter.

It took several attempts but I eventually managed to get the bird outside. If it wasn’t dead coming in the house, it was certainly dead leaving the house.

So again, I beg you….save me from these non-stop chattering, peeing children…please. Momma needs a quiet morning at the gym followed by a little Panera Bread for lunch. Is this so much to ask? Heeeellllllppp meeeeeeee……. 

Just so you know if I had to have decals on my van, I would have a boy wearing a shirt that read “Chatterbox”, a little girl wearing Mickey Mouse ears holding her diaper while peeing, two dogs and a dead bird.