Journal entry by Barbara Bradley — Jan 26, 2015

I have had many embarrassing moments in my life. I am certain this has to be in my top 3….What’s a bit of self-deprecating humor between friends?

Life has really thrown us a curve these past few months. I haven’t been in much of a mood to write an update. It’s exhausting to keep repeating the same thing over and over when it’s all just more of the same. After months of dealing with seizures and interrupted nights, you find your brain starts shutting down.  

I have been through countless sleepless nights, hundreds of appointments, a dozen or so stays at the hospital and two brain surgeries…yet, the past few months have really taken a toll on all of us. The holidays and getting a book published have not made things any easier.

After years of dealing with this the stress and anxiety have finally taken over. When Katie’s seizures returned in September they began with screaming episodes in the night every 30 minutes. A few nights of that nightmare and I began to not sleep. My nerves remained on alert. Fight or flight. I physically could not stay asleep. The brain can only handle so much. If you don’t sleep you will literally go crazy. When you stop sleeping, you stop dreaming. When you stop dreaming, you begin to lose hope.

After more than a month of not sleeping through the night, I finally went to the doctor and he gave me a little something to help me sleep and a little something to help my mental state. Just like each new seizure medicine for Katie, I remained positive this would be the help I needed. My doctor is wonderful but he is on the conservative side and gave me the smallest dose of each medication. Needless to say, when I still wasn’t sleeping things went down hill quickly. It’s a cycle: the more anxious you get, the less you sleep, the less you sleep the more anxious and overwhelmed you get. After returning home from Atlanta over Christmas break, I broke down over all the suitcases and presents scattered all over. Not exactly a normal response to a little clutter. I thought it best to go back to the doctor.  

I am better but have a long way to go. God is teaching me to keep the faith and let go. Every devotional I read lately relates. I can not control everything. I am in the edit phase. The revision process that will take time.

Katie is hanging in there I suppose. The topamax did not do the magic as we had hoped. I began to fear this before the holidays so she also started on a low dose of onfi at night. If the topamax didn’t work, we could build up the onfi.  

We are still tweaking meds. We are always tweaking meds. Unfortunately, she is still up early and has had a few episodes during the day this weekend with vomiting. It is very concerning. The first hour of sleep had improved so it’s frustrating to see things act up during the day. It feels like we are not going in the right direction. Her MRI is March 5th. I suppose those results will tell us next steps.

I emailed her doctor this weekend to update him and if she doesn’t improve soon he wants to have her admitted and see where things are really at now with seizure activity and get meds figured out. They can do more to calm things down inpatient than we can do from home. We are taking things one day at a time. The next few days will tell us a better story.

That’s enough bad news for one day. I was not intending to post this but after telling a few close friends, I was told I must. What the heck. I have posted just about everything else that happens to me and you all keep coming back for more so here goes. This is going to sound like a scene from a sitcom but I can assure you this really happened. I couldn’t make up the stuff that happens to me. I will tell you but you have to promise to still look me in the eyes the next time you see me. I am entertaining you at my expense but I much prefer to laugh than cry. 

I have good and bad days. Even on days I think I’m having a good day the anxiety sneaks up on me. I had my annual skin check at the dermatologist last week. Needless to say, it’s not an office I visit often. I show up my required 10 minutes early (I hate to be late for anything) only to find a notice posting the new location. Really? I got the automated reminder call 48 hour prior AND a phone call from the office staff….neither of which bothered to tell me that little detail. As soon as I saw the notice, I feel the anxiety coming on but kept myself in check. I looked up the address on my phone and told myself it was “ok”. The new office is only 5 minutes away. It’s ok. I am ok. I should mention that I am a bit directionally challenged. I have a love-hate relationship with my GPS which is an entirely different journal entry all together. The new office is now in a medical plaza area by the hospital among a number of buildings. They all look similar. I begin feeling a panic attack coming on as I am looking left and right and not seeing the building. It’s ok. I am ok. I just need to call them and tell them I am running late and ask then for a reference point so I know where I am going. It’s ok. I am ok.

For some reason I have never saved their number in my contacts so I end up looking them up from my phone and called the main hospital number….for ALL of the physicians and office affiliates. The operator asked me the name of the office but I couldn’t remember in my emotional state but she finally got me there. By this time I am really on the verge of tears but took some deep breaths and found my destination. I told myself “They can wait. How many hours of my life have been spent waiting on doctors? They can wait.” 

When I checked in at the front desk and calmly explained why I was late, all I really wanted was for the front desk girl to acknowledge that someone should have notified me but she didn’t. In fact, she didn’t even look up. As she took my credit card she asked if I got my reminder call. Yes, I did. I listened to enough to hear the date and time. Do you know how many automated reminder calls I get because of Katie? I bite my tongue and take the clipboard of paperwork, stifle my tears and barely sit down when the nurse is already calling my name. Really? When in the history of any doctor’s appointment have I been in the last 7 years has the doctor ever been on time? It’s ok. I am ok.  

I calmly apologize to the nurse explaining why I haven’t completed my paperwork. As she turns to lead me to a room, she asks if I got the automated reminder call. Yes. I couldn’t help myself. The old me and new me on the verge of a breakdown collide.”Who really listens to the whole thing?” I can’t help to reply. Still leading the way without so much as a glance in my direction she responds,”Well, it was at the end of the message. That’s the only way we have to notify people.” Seriously…in the age of text, email, phone calls….oh, I don’t know…a POSTCARD?!  I feel total panic and tears setting in but I’m also really pissed off at the same time which is only bringing on the tears more so. “But someone ACTUALLY called me. I spoke to a real person yesterday and she didn’t even bother to ask if I’ve been to the new office.” Her reply as she looked at her clipboard and closed the door, “Well, it’s fine. You are here now so let’s get started.” Again, no validation of my feelings and not even a hint of an apology.

The healthy me would have given her an earful about customer service at this point but I was not me. As she stared at the computer and started typing away, the tears start falling. I just lost it. Total breakdown. This woman was like a robot. I am sure she thought this was a very dramatic reaction to being late and couldn’t believe what a loon I was over this. I managed to get through the basic health questions but could not get it together. She was clearly not comfortable with me crying so she took the approach of restating it was ok that I was late but basically ignoring what was happening. She handed me a hospital gown and told me the doctor would be right in. What a sociopath. I’m not sure how I would have handled that but I’m pretty sure if would have started with putting down the medical chart and giving me a hug.

It’s ok. I am ok. Take your clothes off and get it together or they are going to call the psych ward. People dressed in white lab coats and those awful white shoes are going to come and drag you away in a van wearing a straight jacket if you don’t get yourself together. I tried deep breathing, counting, praying and but nothing was helping. As soon as the doctor walked in I start bawling. I was a toddler with no control over my emotions. When you are already on the verge and someone asks how you are doing it only acts as a catalyst. The only thing worse than ugly crying is ugly, naked, crazy-lady crying. Yup, I’m that lady right now. After a little consoling, I managed to calm down a bit but it was not a full recovery. It’s hard to feel empathy from a woman with Botox and lip injections. Imagine a duck giving you the “poor baby” look. At least she knows me already and she knows a little bit about Katie so she was at least more understanding than her nurse (who is still in the room ignoring me). I may be crazy but at least I’m not a Sociopath void of any empathy for others.

If you aren’t familiar with a skin check, the dermatologist uses a magnifying glass type thingy with a light and looks over your skin for suspicious moles or changes in the skin. They check everywhere. All your parts. She asked me to lay down on my belly first. I tried deep breathing again and pretended I was at the spa on a massage table but that wasn’t working. The faucet kept dripping and all I could do was cling to my cheap, wet, single ply tissue and pray it was over soon.

She then asked me to flip. I thought one side down. One to go. During the entire exam she talked about random things to help lighten the mood which I appreciated. Starting at my feet, she made her way up stopping to peek down my underwear. My only clinging article of dignity left. Right as she peers in she remarks, “What is this a 90’s thing?” 

Though shocked I wasn’t in a clear state of mind and my brain immediately flashed to my unshaven legs, chapped lips, rough cuticles and “other” grooming I was behind on. After a brief pause, I began my stammering reply that I have had a lot going on and perhaps I have let some things go lately. I realize she sees all kinds of things I can’t even imagine but is this yet another trend I have to keep up with?! Is there a blog about the latest grooming trends? Isn’t this a really rude thing to say to a 40-year-old woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown? How about her showing me what she’s got going on. I bet it’s pristine. As my brain continued rambling on, she simultaneously responded.”I think it must be Ace of Bass or some band like that from the 90’s.”

OH MY GOD! Oh…..my…..God! As my mind is hearing what she just said and she and the nurse are thinking about what I just said……We all realized what just happened. I thought she was making reference to my hedges in dire need of landscaping. But no. She was listening to the song playing over the intercom while she was checking my skin. No! This did not just happen. Where are those psych ward people to rush in and give an injection when you need them? Put me out of my misery already. PLEASE! 

NO ONE said a word after that except nurse lady telling me I could get dressed. I have never been more humiliated in my life. I actually paid to have this done. This moment has surpassed even my daughter dropping her diaper load in the lobby of Assurance United Methodist church two Easter Sundays ago. I really was feeling light headed at this point. After they left the room, I put my clothes on got the hell out of there. The walk of shame. They are probably still talking about me over one of their after-office Botox parties. I will never show my face….or anything else there for that matter ever again.

Moral of the story: Keep your underwear clean in case you get in a car wreck AND keep up the landscaping even if you are having a nervous breakdown. You’re welcome.