Journal entry by Barbara Bradley — Mar 5, 2015

We all survived the day. This morning Katie was sedated for her an MRI and is now undergoing an EEG to capture the latest episodes. We will hopefully know more tomorrow. Usually I would be quietly typing while watching her sleep but I am home. I have to let go and this is my first step in doing that. I simply can not take everything on myself. I am well enough to know that I could not have handled this hospital stay. I mentally, emotionally and physically just can not do it. The questions. The interruptions. The decisions. The food. The beeping monitors. The whining. The entertaining. The cartoons. Billy has got this. The doctors have got this.

Have you ever played that game “I would rather….”. If you posed me with the question, “Would rather serve time in prison right now or stay overnight in the hospital?” My answer would be, “orange jumpsuit….size small”. To be fair, I am very thin now. If you dropped me off in the jungle, I would most likely be picked off by a large bird before my feet hit the ground. I would totally rather do my time in the slammer. I would just need a little prep time. I’ll just have to start doing push-ups and practicing my crazy-eye and boxing jabs in the mirror. I’ll get one of those barbwire tattoos on my bicep and change my name to Sledgehammer. A cot, a toilet and a book. I got this.

Small step by small step I am on the mend. I am still taking my on-line sleep therapy. It’s called Shuti. Isn’t that adorable? Not. This week has been focused on sleep deprivation. As they quote: “The key to getting more sleep is getting less.” How about Shut – up? Really?! I was expecting it to prescribe me a massage on the beach followed by a martini and novel of choice. The premise is tracking sleep efficiency not time in bed trying to sleep. It makes since, but it’s annoying. I shouldn’t need a course in sleep. 

Thankfully, I have been getting more sleep. Thank God. My biggest hurdle besides getting to sleep was waking too early. For weeks…months… I was up at the 4 am hour. The stress and anxiety around this is what started my insomnia. Katie began screaming in terror and I got into the habit of waking. Ironically, I finally start sleeping later, with the help of meds and therapy, and she screamed out a couple nights ago….at 4:30am. A haunting, bloodcurdling scream of terror. It could be the soundtrack to hell.