For the past several years, I have taken my daughter to art camp. Because of her delays and medical issues, I attend camp too. It is always quite entertaining and I have been asked to post about our experiences. Fun Times! Exhausting but fun. I hope you enjoy.
August 19-23, 2019
Art Camp: Day 1
Eh, not sure what went on Day 1, because I didn’t write anything. It was either uneventful or a complete nightmare. Anything goes in my world.
Art Camp: Day 2
So I really tried to behave yesterday and only act as a support for Katie during class. But today, well…I just wanted to draw, paint, use pastels, shade and sketch. Ugh…is that so wrong? After all I did pay for the class. Katie just wants to stab the eraser and draw on my arm. Plus we had to leave early yesterday because my daughter was a complete butthole. Sigh. Anyway, today’s focus was teaching your eyes to see and not go with what your brain assumes something should look like. Or some crap like that.
Task: draw your neighbor using a sharpie without looking at your paper or lifting your pen. Dude, art camp is exhausting. If you see my pictures below, I am clearly the best student. But. Get. This. Because my peers are 8 and I’m 45, I don’t get to display my work in the studio.
Talk to the hand, Ms. Doris.
Art camp: Day 3
So I tried to sneak my way into the upcoming 8 year old art show but I was passed over. Again. Ms. D don’t play that. All of Cornelius is missing out. My watercolor rendition of an Arizona sunrise will bring a tear to your eye. What-evs..
My new friend Callie that sits next to me gives me the latest gossip. Callie (also art model) has a “brother” who’s really her cousin. “Whhhaaat? Why, Callie? Do tell!!”
“Well …the dad is a loser. Total loser. Can’t keep a job. Been in jail. You know what I’m saying.”
“Girrrrl, I know. Every family has one.”
Callie’s 8 but I feel like she’s really lived. I enjoy our talks. I’d know more about the baby-daddy but Ms. keep-your-hands-to-yourself-and-stop-talking-Doris is onto us. Big time. She’s been teaching brats like us all. summer. long. and she ain’t got no time for that.
In other news, Katie had open house tonight. She is big middle schooler now. She met her teachers and liked everyone so much she threw herself into a tizzy right in the middle of the parking lot upon leaving while yelling MIDDLE SCHOOL!!!!! Don’t worry my precious, I’m dropping your butt off Monday morning. MIDDLE SCHOOL! MIDDLE SCHOOL!!!!!
Art camp: Day 4
The art show was tonight and we all know who was NOT in it. My dream was shot down once more but I’m pretty persistent if say so myself. Today we took our shading and contouring to new heights. We were each given a shiny, red apple to sketch. For ….45 minutes. We are not seasoned artists here. We are 8 years old. Well, I’m not 8 but if I was we all know I’d be in the damn art show!!!!
Ok sorry. I need to start meditating again, or medicating…or burn sage or some positive crap like that.
Now, all you blooming artists that can’t wait to sign up with Ms Doris, I’ll give you a tip….do not eat, throw or stab your fresh, organic apple. As you can see the look on my lovely Katie bug below, she cares not about art rules, Ms. D. Apples Shmapples
In other news, my Nathan had open house tonight for HIGH SCHOOL 
What is this about??!! As soon as we walked through the doors I was in a cold sweat. By the time we entered the first classroom to meet his teacher I had a pen and notebook in hand viscously taking notes. “Mom? What are you doing?”
“I’m taking NOTES! Duh??!!”
“Mom, why? You’re not even in school!”
“Dear son…you don’t even know me. I went to school too. I know you’d never guess but I’m a total nerd. I love taking notes and getting A’s. The only thing better is buying school supplies!!!!
YEES, we should totally go buy school supplies after this.
“Weird Mom. I know you’re weird is what I know.”
Art Camp: Day 5
Final day….Apples heeeeere. Freeeesh apples. Got apples. Green, red, yellow. Get’um while they’re fresh! Get’um before they’re gone. Get’um before Katie eats them. Excuse me-Stabs, paints and then eats them.
We sketched and painted our apples for three hours. Sure, the natives got restless but Ms. D stayed the course. There were a few tears, lots of dirty hands, and a time-out at the front desk but we all survived. Ms. D runs a tight ship.
We all graduated 8-year-old (plus one 45 year old) Summer Art Camp.
*****please know some names have been changed to protect the innocent. Also, Ms D is a delight. Her passions are art and yoga. She is far more zen and centered than I will ever hope to be. But, I took creative liberties to embellish her because calm and cool didn’t seem as fun.
June 22-26, 2020
Art Camp: Day 1
Just finished day one of art camp with Katie. 3 hours long. I don’t really like her anymore. The feeling is mutual.
Art Camp: Day 2
I am survived by my dog, husband and children. First off, upon entering each afternoon they ask the Covid questions. You must no my daughter is liar. She’s going to get us kicked out.
Katie, how are you feeling today? Good
Have you been in contact with anyone that’s tested positive for Covid 19? Yes
Have you traveled recently? Yes
Are you taking any medicine to control a fever? Yes
Husband: Better today?
Me: Well, if being stabbed with a pencil and having clay rubbed into your arm hair while you’re trying to paint a sparkly unicorn is better…then ok.
Husband: yeah…you two need some space.
Me: damn straight we do
Art camp: Day 3
First, fun fact for the day….nothing says social distancing quite like a third nipple. Yup. Read it again. Somewhere between hour one and hour 3 of camp, my adorable daughter put a hardened piece of red play doh in my bra. Like the side part..
I know it sounds crazy but she is seriously the opposite of a pickpocket. If you are around her for any length of time you would understand. Hours later you’ll feel in a pocket or change clothes and out pops a marker, a few legos, sometimes one of those ABC magnets. She keeps it interesting. Once I found a slice of bell pepper.
Other than the nipple incident, it went well. I made a friend. Her name is Abby.
Her: I like your unicorn.
Me: thanks, I like your mermaid.
Her: I’m Abby. I turn 11 next week.
Me: cool. I’m Barbara. I turned 46 last month.
Her: woah.
Me: right?
Art camp Day 4:
Your Honor, I would like to present these photos of the Defendant. You will see she is not wearing a mask. She is then seen stabbing the Plaintiff with a pencil and stuffing items into her shirt. Unacceptable.
Art Camp Day 5:
Last day of Art Camp! I passed. I think. Well, I paid. The little missy? Eh. I didn’t really feel her commitment. It’s been a tiring week for her with camp everyday, no naps and still learning to walk in a new brace. We actually left early today. Not because I wanted to. I was finishing my art. I mean it’s her class. Of course. I know that. Well, she left me no choice. She stood up, told the teacher “thank you”, and said “bye everyone” to the class. I asked what she was doing and she mumbled something about wanting nachos and she was going to the car. Alrighty then. I can argue a lot of points but nachos are not one of them.
So that’s that. I graduated Art Camp: Mythical Creatures.
I made a magic wand, unicorn, dragon shield, dragon eye, dragon egg, and a cute caterpillar just because we had time. Until next camp…
I’ll leave you with the art I got to take home today. I’m by far the best student. Peace 
Art mom, out 
July 20-24,2020
Summer Art Camp Part Two: the painting addition
Katie is better but still not a fan of dirty hands but I felt like we were making progress. It was going great, until it wasn’t. We were starting to wrap things up in the last half hour. Some campers were finished and others not so the assistant brought out Magic Molding clay.
You crafty moms probably know about this fluffy magic but I did not. It comes in a rectangular block. It starts out white but you can use a marker to add some color. It’s the same concept as regular clay that you shape and it hardens. But Magic Mold is light and fluffy like a marshmallow consistency. I broke a bit off and let Katie get a feel of it while I finished my…uh’hm..HER watercolor painting. Not 5 seconds later she leaned over and licked me and then started squawking.
She thought it was an actual marshmallow and took a bite. Boy was that a poor decision in her part. She’s now screaming and I’m coming at her with a baby wipe prying her mouth open to scrape it off her tongue and teeth. All the little girls in the class were mortified.
So…that ended class early for us today. I got us home and told Nathan because I was worried about how much she ate. He says, “mom it’s clay. It’s part of the earth. She’s fine.
“Yeah, well this is “magic” clay so where does the magic come from?”
“Mom, you’re being dramatic.”
“Fine, but if she poops a fluffy cloud later you’re gonna hear about it.” #clayisnotamarshmellow #magicmoldsucks #itspartoftheearth #youaresodramaticmom
Art Camp: Final Day
Art Camp finished. 
Thankful no one ate clay or glue or anything else. She said my bridge was a brown rainbow 
(that would be sad wouldn’t it?) and that my llama was a deer 
#llamallamawhosyourmama
A Laughing Matter 