We are now a year out from the lockdown. Covid. Pandemic. Quarantine. Virtual living. Zoom. Masks. Wash hands. Stay home. Create. Write. Imagine. Learn. Ponder. Reconsider.

The question now as vaccines are being rolled out across the nation many of us are wondering the same thing…….When will we go back to normal? I thought that’s what we all were hoping for. What’s “normal”? What if we can never get back to “normal”. Do we settle for a “new normal”? eh, maybe not. For those of you that spent the past year hidden in the bunker with Joe, now even the word “normal” itself is offense. Just the mention of Normal. Usual. Typical. A standard used to measure. Now “they” feel excluded. We have had this time to think and question and learn and this is where we have chosen to land. In my opinion, we wasted our time.

The labels mom, dad, sister, brother, aunt, uncle……..these labels offend. Read a Dr. Seuss book to your child (offspring?)….how dare you. Watch a classic Pepe’ le pew cartoon with your Grandbaby (older parent of a child with own small person that has not yet chosen a pronoun?) I don’t know the appropriate adjectives anymore. The point is, you are putting unnecessary ideas into the minds of children.

Now Dove, the beauty soap for sensitive skin and recommended by dermatologist since the 1950’s has been in the news recently. Unilever, the company that owns Dove soap just announced that it will no longer us the word “normal” on its projects or in any ad campaigns. A recent study showed use of the word makes people feel excluded. So now, we find ourselves offended by soap advertisements. Many of our ancestors came here on a crowed boat with the clothes on their back, a dollar in their pocket and not a word of english…….fast forward…….I’m so glad they did that so we could voice our freedom of speech to cancel cartoon characters, children’s books, labels for mom and dad, and now soap ads. I don’t really know what to say. I’m a just white, Christian. I can’t see beyond my privilege. Help me.

I have decided to create my own line of soaps with my own advertising campaign. You are gonna love to hate it. A portion of all proceeds goes to help the child labor we use to manufacture our products. Those ethnic children work hard and save us a shit-ton on labor. You can feel good knowing you are helping children in need.

Are you ready to hear about it?…..drum roll, please……..it’s called Everybody Stinks!!! This is a nod to the children’s book Everybody Poops. I think this book is still being published. I think everybody still poops but this could be offending someone.

This normal, all-natural line of liquid soaps and bars are for ANYONE and EVERYONE. We mean EVERYONE! (the gays, straights, hims, hers, theys, thems, whities, blacks, yellows, browns, jews, bi-racials, rich, poor, homeless, atheists, Christians, men that identify as women, woman attracted to men that identify as women, feminists, racists, British, the Harikrishnas, flat-chested, bald, stupid, fat assed, vegetarian, babies, mentally unstable, Tom Cruise, old, those that wear a side part and skinny jeans, methodist, normal, not normal, liberal, Justin Timberlake, conservative, illegals, and even the vegans…Don’t forget the vegans – haven’t they given up enough?) Rest assured – Our products are always offensive and never normal. We hope you enjoy then….or not….we don’t really give a f&^%.

To all the “boy moms” out there (sorry…female caregiver persons with or without a uterus), we get you. You beg. You plead. Once your baby becomes a teen they refuse to take a bath more than once a week or after a lot of ball busting from mom-caregiver-person. We have an affordable, economic, Cosco sized pump bottle of soap for your teen son called……. You Stink! It smells of axe body spray and the instructions read: Use daily – Wash all your parts. Rinse. Repeat. Hug your female caregiver that birthed you.

For you lucky bitches that still have adorable babies, we have a baby line just for you. Check out – Your Baby’s Ugly! It’s both gentle to the skin and hydrating. Not every baby can be cute but they can all be clean! Of course, we aren’t talking about your baby. Your baby is adorable. We are about accepting and cleaning all babies….even the adopted babies. Babies can’t help that they aren’t cute and normal.

For all the tree huggers out there, we have not forgotten about you. Our Hippie line was made special for you crunchy, fresh-faced, organic kale lovers. You will love – Patchouli Pits! This all natural, normal bar is made with essential oils and positive vibes. You can wash those pits already and get back to meditating and not shaving. Who has time for that shit anyway?

How about the Feminists?! We know you’re oppressed bitches that hate men but damnit you can still be clean. We got you. We have a bar just for you…. Roar! This soap cleans and moisturizes in one step so you can get back doing more for less. Wash up, buttercup! Those dishes will still be in the sink when you’re done.

Moving on. In this day and age a gender neutral line is a must. Meet Only Human! – Looks like soap. Smells like soap. This neutral, normal, nothing smelling, average body wash is for hooters, cooters, ding dongs, thingamajigs, thingamajobs and more!!!!….no one cares..just pick a stall and go pee already..honestly….just take a shower already so I don’t have to smell your neutral ass.

You know what has been missing in our lives? Trump. Honestly, the news misses talking about him. SNL has run out of material. Twitter has never been so boring. We have the soap for you MAGA friends – Angry Orange! Our orange bar soap exfoliates, cleans and tans all in one! You can’t get more offensive or more bang for your ‘merican buck! Yee-yee!

We can’t have a Trump bar without having a Biden bar. That would be more offensive than anything and everything that could possibly be offensive to anyone that ever lived at anytime. Sleep my Pretty! This calming lavender scent will help you relax and make you forget who and where you are. You won’t be able to read from a teleprompter if you try. This product also comes in a shampoo. You will have creepy, old men sniffing your hair after just one wash. This bar is our only product made in China. Free to all. No ID necessary. Just keep your complaints to yourself.

Who has been the center of the most popular memes in 2021? Bernie! Bernie and his multi-colored mittens. He actually became endearing and gained some new followers. Don’t worry. We have a special edition 2021 Bernie bar. Meet, No Soap for You! This small, fragrance-free ration-sized bar of motel-quality, harsh soap comes weekly. Right to your section of the government housing duplex you share with Martinez family! When it’s your family’s turn to shower, you are gonna LOVE this soap. We can guarantee you will be exactly as clean as everyone else in the entire nation. Socialism rules!

Everyone Stinks! can’t sign off with out mentioning our first and most popular soap – Our original, best selling bar soap for white people – Shame on You! This top selling bar is the perfect balance of clean, shame and guilt .You can get clean but also be reminded of how privileged and unfair your very existence is to others.

Now get cleaned up so you can get back out there and find more things to be offended by!

Disclaimer: This post is meant to offend any and every person equally and exactly the same.